Wednesday, November 11, 2009

hard to believe

it is hard to believe that christmas is right around the corner. my christmas cards should arrive today, i ordered them off snapfish this weekend. they are going to be precious, my favorite ones we have had so far! i have to mail some of them as soon as i get them, as it will take around 4-6 weeks for my family in europe to get theirs. i guess i will wait to mail the rest of them till around the first of december.
it is hard to believe that my daughter is almost halfway through her first year at middle school. some of her former closest friends dont come around as much. they are still friends, no worries, just finding new friends as well. lots of new friends have been coming over, which is great too. we must always cherish our friends. and thankfully, she hasnt brought home any friends that have caused me any alarm. she got in a great group of classes surrounded by tons of great kids and has great teachers. they teachers even say they are having a great year. wonderful! about a month or so ago, a couple of 20 something year old girls from church took lacee and a friend to the movies. sitting right behind them was a girl from lacee's class, with a boy, kissing. they werent pg-rated kissing either. lacee was shocked and thought it was gross. i dread the day that it isnt gross anymore.
it is hard to believe that mark anthony is 4 years old. that he could potentially go to kindergarten next year. i havent made my mind up on that one yet, i will wait to see what his preschool teacher says she thinks is best for him. financially, him going to kindy would be great b/c its free. but i will not rush my children to school just to save a dollar. (well, lots of dollars). he is so smart. he is such a boy. wild and hyper and unable to be still very long at home or church or anywhere basically with mom and/or dad, yet perfectly still, attentive and eager to learn at school and in sunday school.
it is hard to believe that tommy is already 2. he is flirting with potty training. he is gaining more and more vocabulary so fast. he is so sweet, so passionate when he is happy. so angry when he is angry. he thinks he is as big as his brother and his sister, and gets upset when he cant do what he wants. he also loves going to school and church. he has no desire to be quiet during church, and i wonder when or if that will change.
it is hard to believe that mark and i will have been married 8 years in less than a month. 8 years! thats a long time. its been a wonderful 8 years! has every day been rosy, no. but more of them have been rosy than stinky. i am blessed to have him as a husband, my children blessed to have him as a daddy.
it is hard to believe that money stinks as bad as it does. 8 years and we still are not where we need to be. no savings. no extra. still robbing peter to pay paul so to speak. its true, our budgeting skills are not the greatest, but we do not blow money. we have amazingly low rent for our home (that we plan to buy within 2 years), we have light bill, water bill, cellphone bill, tv/internet bill, 1 vehicle payment (we didnt have a vehicle payment for almost 2 years till my van broke), groceries, gas, childcare, and tons of doctor bills. and a bank note on a consolodation loan from several years ago. thats it. no furniture payments, no stereos, appliance, credit cards, 4 wheelers, boats, etc. we havent been on a vacation in 7 years. its depressing. now i know money and things are not the most important things in the world. our family has each other, love, God, and all the basics we need. yet i long for the day when we dont have to wait for the next paycheck to be able to pay the rent or the lights. when our children ask for a certain jacket or shoes that we are able to get them for them if we choose to.
it is hard to believe that my mom will be 60 soon. in 9 days actually. wow. we arent as close as we were when she turned 50, but we are closer than we were when she turned 58 or 59. i miss the days when we were super close, but i am happy for the progress we are making.
it is hard to believe that my daddy has been dead for 12 years. i miss him terribly. i wish he could meet mark and my kids. i know he will someday.
it is hard to believe that marks daddy is also gone, he has been gone 7 years. he loved lacee, and we know he would have loved the boys too. he will meet them someday. i wonder if he and my daddy watch us together.
it is hard to believe that marks mom is in the nursing home, and that she has been there for over a year now. she went from being able to drive, shop, cook, etc to being a complete victim of alzheimers and dementia in 3 months, and now it is hit or miss that she knows who mark is when he goes to visit.
it is hard to believe that i have family in europe i still havent met. my mom reunited with her siblings after 50+ years (she was adopted). they all live in europe. 5 in germany, 1 in spain, and 1 in turkey. mom went to germany in 2006 and met everyone. i have meet the ones that have came here. first was karl-heinz, my uncle. he came in 2005. then came my aunt heidi and her husband willi. they came in 2007, the day tommy was born actually. this past summer, my aunt brigetta and my uncle's wife uri came. i still have not met peter, helmut, willi, or monica. nor have i met any of the kids and grandkids. i priced round trip airfare for my family and my mom and its over $10,000. it doesnt look like we will be going anytime soon.
it is hard to believe that we will soon, not sure how soon, but soon, be getting to see marks neices and meeting their children. they live in georgia and we havent spoken to them in 7 years, give or take a possible hello once or twice. andrea and i have been talking alot on facebook, and have enjoyed one phone call this week. she calls me aunt gretchen, and i love that. andrea and rebekah are 28, twins from marks half sister, who is 19 years older than him. the age makes me feel like they should be my sister in laws. but they can call me aunt gretchen and we can laugh and cut up like the sisters i never had.
it is hard to believe when blessings come from the most unexpected of sources. thats how God likes it, i suppose. we had a communication breakdown with the director of the boys preschool with regards to a possible scholarship and ended up with a 2 month balance we could not pay. we had to pull the boys out of school for a month, they finally went back this week and were so excited! having them cry to go to school was heart breaking. the balance is not paid in full, but a wonderful lady, a friend i met only last year, is helping us with it. i did not ask her for help, she seen me crying one day picking up mark anthony (the school allowed him to go on a field trip one day during the month) and she asked me what was wrong. i told her, and she insisted on helping. i am so grateful to her. i dont have the right words for her, i just pray that someday we will be able to help someone in the same situation.
its hard to believe that after the mistakes i made in middle school, high school and the year that followed that God has blessed me with the life i have now. i have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, a job i love, and a promised land beyond my widlest expections. and that is hard to believe too because my imagination can run pretty wild!