well, here i sit.
my house is a wreck.
mark is at work, doing all he can to provide for our family. (i love that man and miss him so!)
lacee is spending the night with a friend. mark anthony is playing. tommy is sleeping.
i should be cleaning this pig stye. doing the laundry, picking up toys, scrubbing bathtubs, mopping, dusting, etc... all the lovely chores a home needs. yet here i sit, playing online. this blog will likely become my new addiction. i think i may have an addictive personality. if it wasnt this blog, it would be my email, or my myspace, or a message board, or the tv, or a nap if both boys were asleep.
i dont know why i do this.
back when mark and i first married, i was betty homemaker. i dusted almost daily, i vacuummed more than once daily, i swept more than once daily, i mopped daily. you could eat off my floors. then something happened. i dont know what it was. and much to marks shagrin, i have become my mom in the area of housework.
i dont like this part of me.
i love a clean house.
but i love life more. i can rationalize it all day long. i tell mark, "i will NOT put mark was a good daddy because he worked all the time" on your tombstone and i know no kid anywhere will put, "my mom was a good mom because she kept the house spotless" on her tombstone. life is for the living. but is watching tv, napping, blogging, surfing the net, starring at the walls, doing anything and everything but chores really living?
i must get a hold on this part of me.
softball for lacee starts tomorrow.
i have a husband who deserves to be able to see the floor when he comes home. i have 3 kids who deserve a clean home and clean clothes. and i am the mom who wants in her heart to do it all and get back to the way i used to be: organized, cleaning, and happy about it.
maybe i can talk about it to you, and as i talk i really am feeling myself getting motivated to get up and go. the true test comes when hit "publish". do i surf the net, do i watch tv, or do i get up and do what i have just whined to you about? likely, with 2 boys under the age of 3, both still in diapers, none of those will occur. i will get up, head to the laundry room or the dishwasher, only for someone to cry or to poop or to need me.
i love being needed by my kids.
i miss that lacee doesnt need me like she used to.
i just dont have enough hands or enough energy to do all the things i need to do along with all the things i want to do.
(see, i told you....tommy just woke up, and mark anthony just came to me.."i poo poo...i poo poo. change me mommy")
1 comment:
Being a mother is exhausting! I had no idea how exhausting it was.. and I just have ONE! And I love her dearly... wanted her for SO LONG... I think of her as God's little miracle... but I know what you mean about not feeling up to cleaning the house! I think depression goes hand in hand with being at home with kids... is that so bad to admit? Maybe so... but I have been so thankful for all this time at home I've had also... Don't be too hard on yourself... I understand!
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