missing him

i wrote this 11-11-06 and posted it on my myspace blog.

today it seems appropriate to share it here.

I miss my daddy! He died April 10, 1997. I was 19 years old. I am the only child, I have no one who understood how I felt then or how I feel now. I was a daddy's girl for the first 10 years or so of my life. Then teenage years set in and I rebelled and wasnt as close with him. When I was 18 I moved out. Then, Daddy and I got really close again. He was always such a tightwad when I was growing up. We never went out to eat, never spent a penny we didnt absolutely HAD to spend. But once I grew up and moved out, at least once a week daddy would take me out to eat for lunch while I was working. He always went to Cherry's Truckstop in the mornings to talk to the old men and have his coffee. But on days I was off he would come to my apartment for coffee. We finally had our close relationship again.! It was great.
So one Thursday I was teaching Colorguard. My girls were competing the next week in State, so I was working them extra hard. All of a sudden my boss and another coworker pull up and the principal of the school come outside. My boss told me to get in the car with her and to give my keys to my coworker. No I said. We were busy and it was my day off from work. They insisted and I knew something was wrong. My mom had stopped by to see how the team looked earlier so I thought she had had a wreck on her way home. But when I got in the car my boss said it was my daddy. He was working in Alabama so then I thought he had a wreck. My boss said she was taking me to my mom at her house. I expected to get in the car with mom and go to see my daddy. But when we got there, there were police cars and an ambulance and tons of other cars. Everyone was standing outside crying. My daddy was gone. He was still inside the house though. I wanted to go inside and see him. I pushed people out of the way, trying to get in. But they wouldnt let me.
My daddy had shot himself.
Why would he do that? Why did he never want to see me again? How could he leave me here to deal with this? Why did he leave my mom? She cant help me and I cant help her b/c we feel different and hurt different and deal different.
Yes, it has been almost 10 years. I am married to a wonderful and have 2 wonderful kids. I own my own business. I have done alot. I have alot to be proud of. But he will never see any of it. I would never give up my family I have now to bring him back, but I want him to be here now. Why cant there be like a 10 year do-over? Why cant he change his mind and come back?