i wasnt ready for this

tonight while leaving a restaurant, a person made a comment about my daddy killing himself.
lacee and her friend were right there. i of course hoped they hadnt heard the statement, but anyone with nearly 10yr old girls knows better.
before we were even in the van, lacee asked me, why did she say my papaw killed himself? did your daddy kill himself?
yes baby he did.
but you said he smoked.
he did smoke, baby, but thats not why he died.
he smoked and drank alcohol, like mamaw vicki.
yes baby, he did, but thats not why he did that. lots of people smoke and drink alcohol and live 100's of years, just not very healthy.
well why?
honey, i dont know why. i still dont know why. i know i wish he didnt. i know he probably wishes he didnt now.
i am crying and i didnt even know him.
i know baby, me too.
mark anthony says...mommy, lacee, why are crying? whats wrong?
its ok mark anthony.
honey, there are things in life we just dont understand. God understands. sometimes people have things going on, diseases, sicknesses, thoughts that make them sad all the time, that can lead them to to that to themselves. i still dont know why he did that.
...
that was pretty much the end of the conversation. i cried the whole way home. this is not a conversation i was ready for. i have never lied to her. i always tell her when someone dies that it was their turn. that only God knows when our turn is, that everyone will die someday but noone but God knows when. i never tell her people died b/c they were sick or in a wreck or whatever the circumstances may be. of course now that she is older she may learn of those circumstances, but i dont want her to think that every illness leads to death or every wreck will kill a person. and i do believe my theory. it was his turn. it will come to us when it is our turn. i have never lied to her about it, just left out the cold hard truth. i wanted to tell her when she was like 15-16. maybe better equipped to handle the thoughts and questions i know she is having or will have when she lays her head down to sleep.
i was about 14 or 15 when i found out that my grandfather killed himself. yes, my daddys daddy killed himself too. like lacee, i never knew my grandfather. my grandfather that chose to end his own life. i know the questions she will have. why? how? where? when? is he sorry? what would he have been like? would we have had fun together? would he have loved me? would he have taken me fishing? would he have taken me hunting? would he have taken me shopping? would he come eat lunch at school with me? would he take me to the beach? would he carry me on his shoulders?
all these things i wondered. as well as how could this happen? why me? why did he not want to wait for me?
all these things i STILL wonder.
i wonder these about my grandfather whom i never met.
i wonder these about my daddy, whom i loved so. yes, we had our fights. boy, we were good at them. but we loved each other and i miss him so. and i know from how much he loved my little cousins, and how much he loved friends of the family's kids, that he would have adored my kids. they would have hung the moon in his eyes. i can imagine all the things he would have done with them. the things he should have done with them.
i can get sad and mad all in the same breath. sad that he couldnt see through whatever had him so down to see the future he was giving up. mad that he didnt fight it enough. mad that the world didnt understand depression enough to warn my daddy that since his daddy had committed suicide that the chances for him to do so were even greater. that medicines and counseling and help wasnt as readily available back then, and that even what was available wasnt in his life.
i know that i will never know the answers to so many questions. it is a hard thing for me, i want to dig. i want to know why a letter wasnt found. i want to know more details of the scene. i want to know what emts, first responders, sheriff deputies, etc worked the scene, what they saw. i want to know what his last conversation with my uncle was. my uncle died 18month later, so i cant know the answer to that in this life either.
i could sit and wonder and worry myself into such a deep hole it would take a major rescue crew to get me out. i have done it before. i try not to do it anymore. it is hard. somedays i dont wanna turn the thinking off. somedays i do.
i just have to trust that God knows what is best. He is taking care of my daddy and my grandaddy now. He is taking care of me and my family now. He will continue to take care of all of us. We just have to trust him and let him.