what a lovely day

we spent last night on the floor at marks moms house. i took off work today. my kids are all at school/daycare/preschool. marks mom was transferred to linden last night, so he is currently there, signing her in, etc.
we realized last night that the longer our clothes and furniture sat in the trailer we are moving out of, the more and more they are going to smell like sewage. my mom took off work. she and i are at the trailer. we have put clothes in garbage bags. i rented a u-haul this morning. $100 we dont have to spend but at this point have no choice. i had hoped my mom and i could load up tables and chairs and small pieces of furniture while waiting on mark to return from linden. nice plan, huh?
i sit here, blogging b/c i am so mad i could break windows and doors and plates and glasses, etc just to release my anger. i have already screamed. i have cried. i have said words i shouldnt. i have hit boxes. i still do not feel better.
the uhaul is stuck. STUCK!! in the mud. no where near the doors of the trailer. too far to tote anything. too stuck for my mom or i to get unstuck. i did it. i got it stuck. i will admit that. i just wanted to back it up to the front door so we could load some stuff. so i could be useful and helpful. instead i make a bigger mess. another headache. more drama. more stress. i hate being a burden. i am a burden. i cant get anyone to help us, so i try to do it myself. and where does that get me? here. stuck in the mud. and not fun mud. poop smelling mud. i am the definition of eyore. the rain cloud over my head. it follows me everywhere. my kids deserve better. my husband deserves better. i think i deserve better too. yes, i have made mistakes in my life. some small, some not. but i am a good person. i am a christian. i am a good friend. i try to help people in any way i can. i care for people. i dont understand why things like this keep happening to me. i know satan is testing me. i know God wont give me more than i can handle. i think he has way more confidence in me than i do.