lacee had a check up yesterday with her ped gastro.
she is doing really well!
when the celiac was at its worst for her, she had dropped down to 62 lbs.
yesterday she was up to 67.8 lbs.
her highest weight was 69 lbs, so we are almost there!!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
a hard day
yesterday was a long hard day.
marks mom spent night with us tuesday night. for the past several months, she has been experiencing hallucinations--seeing people that no one else sees. these people are not nice to her at all. it has progressively gotten worse. tuesday she was so scared, she couldnt even be alone. we decided it would be good for her to spend the night at our house. i had hoped that she would feel safe here and get a good nights rest, as she has not been sleeping well at all. unfortunately, that was not the case.
wednesday morning, she had a doc appt at 8am. we ended up taking her to the hospital in linden tn. she will most likely be there 10-14 days, to try to get her leveled out and get the people to leave her alone. there are no tv's or phones in the patient rooms, as they want to keep the patients involved in all the activities they have to offer there. we can call her or she can call us after 5pm. there are set visiting hours. i am not sure if the kids are allowed to visit or not. we can hang things on her wall, so i will be making her a poster board filled with pics to hang up. we plan to go up sunday night, if the staff thinks she is ready for us.
at the end of her stay, the staff will discuss with us suggestion options for what to do next.
mark is an only child. he lived at home for 32 years. he and his mom are very close. i can only imagine how hard this ahs been for him. i am so proud of him for being totally honest with himself and the doctors. i am sure it was not easy at all. but he is doing what has to be done, for the health and safety of his mom.
i pray that the treatment is exactly what she needs and is successful.
marks mom spent night with us tuesday night. for the past several months, she has been experiencing hallucinations--seeing people that no one else sees. these people are not nice to her at all. it has progressively gotten worse. tuesday she was so scared, she couldnt even be alone. we decided it would be good for her to spend the night at our house. i had hoped that she would feel safe here and get a good nights rest, as she has not been sleeping well at all. unfortunately, that was not the case.
wednesday morning, she had a doc appt at 8am. we ended up taking her to the hospital in linden tn. she will most likely be there 10-14 days, to try to get her leveled out and get the people to leave her alone. there are no tv's or phones in the patient rooms, as they want to keep the patients involved in all the activities they have to offer there. we can call her or she can call us after 5pm. there are set visiting hours. i am not sure if the kids are allowed to visit or not. we can hang things on her wall, so i will be making her a poster board filled with pics to hang up. we plan to go up sunday night, if the staff thinks she is ready for us.
at the end of her stay, the staff will discuss with us suggestion options for what to do next.
mark is an only child. he lived at home for 32 years. he and his mom are very close. i can only imagine how hard this ahs been for him. i am so proud of him for being totally honest with himself and the doctors. i am sure it was not easy at all. but he is doing what has to be done, for the health and safety of his mom.
i pray that the treatment is exactly what she needs and is successful.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
hide under the church pew
so mark anthony is potty trained.
i was warned, to an extent, that once potty training had happened, little boys have easy access and complete fascination with certain body parts.
i just had no idea how bad it was gonna be!!!
the past week it has become horrible, in my opinion anyway.
always one hand, most times both, are glued down in the front of his pants. i have tried ignoring it, telling him to leave it alone, telling him not to worry...it isnt going anywhere, telling him if he didnt leave it alone it would fall off and he would be a girl, and my latest attempt..saying "where are your hands?" so that he will pull them out and wave them over his head. its alot nicer to say no matter the crowd we happen to be around. it works for about 2 seconds....5 if i'm lucky.
just this morning, i hear him singing "my wee wee, my wee wee". i look over, and there he sits, reclined back in his giggling elmo chair, with his package pulled out. the whole shebang. leave nothing to the imagination...its all out!
and of course, lacee has a friend over. they are sitting right here too!!! the friend just happens to be the preachers daughter no less!
if sundays sermon is about modesty of little boys, you'll find me UNDER THE PEW!
i was warned, to an extent, that once potty training had happened, little boys have easy access and complete fascination with certain body parts.
i just had no idea how bad it was gonna be!!!
the past week it has become horrible, in my opinion anyway.
always one hand, most times both, are glued down in the front of his pants. i have tried ignoring it, telling him to leave it alone, telling him not to worry...it isnt going anywhere, telling him if he didnt leave it alone it would fall off and he would be a girl, and my latest attempt..saying "where are your hands?" so that he will pull them out and wave them over his head. its alot nicer to say no matter the crowd we happen to be around. it works for about 2 seconds....5 if i'm lucky.
just this morning, i hear him singing "my wee wee, my wee wee". i look over, and there he sits, reclined back in his giggling elmo chair, with his package pulled out. the whole shebang. leave nothing to the imagination...its all out!
and of course, lacee has a friend over. they are sitting right here too!!! the friend just happens to be the preachers daughter no less!
if sundays sermon is about modesty of little boys, you'll find me UNDER THE PEW!
Monday, July 28, 2008
sick kids
summer time.
fun time.
sick time?
around this house, yes.
i recently went to the doctor for a shot and meds to clear me up from an 8 week suffering of sinus and bronchittus and upper respiratory infection.
a few weeks later, mark started in with it.
now, lacee is barking and has an ear ache. tommy and mark anthony are pouring green snot like something from a polterguiest movie, and tommy is also barking.
i have them a doctor appt for thursday afternoon.
why so long?
today and tomorrow i am providing back up care for another child care provider. wednesday lacee has an appt - update on her celiac diagnosis with the doc.
in the mean time, i am giving them meds i have around the house, including breathing treatments.
Friday, July 25, 2008
best camper award
when i got out of the van at the service, lacee's counselor happened to be walking by. she came up to me and said, "your daughter is amazing!" i smiled and said, "awww, thank you". "no, really, she said. she is awesome. she has been the best helper. she has helped everyone, is always smiling, comforted other girls when they got homesick. she is getting the best camper award. all the counselors agreed on her, they all loved her. dont tell her, but you have to stay for awards." "oh ok" i said, nearly crying.
so they had the service and gave out all the swimming awards, sports awards, etc. then the director of the camp came up and said that they enjoyed giving out the fun awards, but now it was time for what he thought of as the biblical awards. they have out awards for best bible student, and the students who had memorized the most bible verses. then he said it was time for the best camper awards.
lacee's counselor, madison, stood up first. she said, "i have had the best cabin this week i have had all summer. if you had a girl in cabin 3 then you should be proud. these girls have been great. (at this point i had to tell lacee to stop talking to mark anthony as i wanted her to listen) i nominated several of my girls, but all of the counselors agreed that it should definately be this girl. she always had a smile on her face, she was willing to help anyone at any time, she was nice to everyone, making tons of new friends. last night she even stayed in the mess hall, missing the bon-fire, to help clean up. she wasnt even asked to do that. (at this point lacee's eyes got big and she looked at me and mouthed --that was me!) so our young girls best camper for week 8 2008 is -- Lacee Wilson!"
everyone clapped and cheered.
as she walked up there, i began to cry. of course, lol.
when lacee got up there, she hugged her counselor and began to cry. madison sat down with her, lacee curled up in her lap, as madison hugged her. this had me and our friend cindy wiping tears away. i asked madison later what lacee was saying up there and she said lacee was just like "thank you so much, i'm gonna miss you so much."
it was such an honor for lacee. our friend amanda, whose blog is linked below, called us later to find out what all nice things had been said about lacee. all of amanda's kids go to msyc, and several of her older ones work there as counselors. she said that the counselors have a meeting and they all talk about the kids nominated for best camper, that they all have to agree that the one chosen should get it, that it isnt taken lightly. i put lacee on the phone so that amanda could congratulate lacee. amanda is such a sweet person, so gifted with words. i am not sure exactly what she said to lacee, but whatever it was was wonderful and brought lacee to tears again and she thanked her.
as moms we all think our kids are wonderful, but it is such a reassuring experience when someone else thinks so too. the fact that lacee was able to make an impact on so many people on such a short amount of time is amazing to me. and she is so humble, so amazed that she got the award. she actually thought she got it just b/c she cleaned the mess hall last night. i said, no baby, it takes alot more than 1 act to get such an honor.
i thank God every day for my children. he has certainly blessed me with 3 wonderful children. he has blessed me with an exceptional daughter. if we could all have the heart that lacee has, this world would be so full of love and caring.
she's home!
this morning the boys and i went to pick lacee up from camp.
when we arrived they were having the goodbye service. as soon as we got there kara, ali, carli, they came to get the boys. lacee was sitting in the far corner from us, course her friends took her brothers to her, she was so excited to see them, and mark anthony would not leave her side. they sang camp songs, and then the counselors took turn giving out awards for such things as best dive, smallest splash, biggest splash, tug of war, etc. they recognized all the counselors and junior counselors.
at the end of the service, the parents got to sit down (it was hot!) in the shade inside the pavillion and all the campers formed a circle around the pavillion and sung and the service was closed in prayer.
all lacee's friends were hot and tired and exhausted, but all said they had a great time. lacee made lots of new friends, and swapped address and phone numbers with alot of people.
she talked most of the way home about her week.
i am so glad she got to go to camp.
she is already looking forward to going next year!!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
church at freed
tonight george ann, carole, tommy and i went to freed to have church with our campers. they were happy to see us, and even happier to see tommy.
tommy was fussy all evening, so i missed part of the service as i took him out to keep him from disrupting everyone.
lacee said she was having a blast. swimming, hiking, arts and crafts. by no means wanting to come home.
i cant wait to hear all the details friday.
it was great to see her and get a big hug and kiss.
i am so greatful that she was able to go to camp.
mark anthony was excited to go stay with his friend cruz. i chose not to take him with me, b/c he misses lacee like crazy, wants to go to church camp, and i knew i would have a fight on my hands to get him out of there. this was his first time to cruz's house. they also went to church. thanks to cruz's mom, beth, for letting mark anthony hang out with them!
tommy was fussy all evening, so i missed part of the service as i took him out to keep him from disrupting everyone.
lacee said she was having a blast. swimming, hiking, arts and crafts. by no means wanting to come home.
i cant wait to hear all the details friday.
it was great to see her and get a big hug and kiss.
i am so greatful that she was able to go to camp.
mark anthony was excited to go stay with his friend cruz. i chose not to take him with me, b/c he misses lacee like crazy, wants to go to church camp, and i knew i would have a fight on my hands to get him out of there. this was his first time to cruz's house. they also went to church. thanks to cruz's mom, beth, for letting mark anthony hang out with them!
dumpster diving
you know you have true friends when they will look in their garbage can for you!
as i was leaving george ann and tj's tonight, i realized i didnt have my cell. i went to look for it in my van, in george ann's car, in the yard, in the diaper bag, everywhere. it was missing. then jon brown said, "did you throw it away when you threw those cups away?" ding ding ding! tj looked, and sure enough, there it was. hoooray...my phone!!
thanks, tj, for getting my phone!!!
as i was leaving george ann and tj's tonight, i realized i didnt have my cell. i went to look for it in my van, in george ann's car, in the yard, in the diaper bag, everywhere. it was missing. then jon brown said, "did you throw it away when you threw those cups away?" ding ding ding! tj looked, and sure enough, there it was. hoooray...my phone!!
thanks, tj, for getting my phone!!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
she called!!
at 8:51am my phone rang.
it was LACEE!
i have to admit, when i saw her name on the phone, i thought, oh no whats wrong?
"hello"
"hey mom! camp has been fun"
"great"
"can i talk to mark anthony?"
so then she talked to him for a little bit. then it was my turn again.
"ok mom, gotta go clean my area."
"ok baby"
"love you"
"love you too"
"bye"
"bye"
the call lasted a whole 1 minute and 4 seconds. but thats just fine. i heard her voice and i got to tell her that i love her. thats just what this mommy needed!!
it was LACEE!
i have to admit, when i saw her name on the phone, i thought, oh no whats wrong?
"hello"
"hey mom! camp has been fun"
"great"
"can i talk to mark anthony?"
so then she talked to him for a little bit. then it was my turn again.
"ok mom, gotta go clean my area."
"ok baby"
"love you"
"love you too"
"bye"
"bye"
the call lasted a whole 1 minute and 4 seconds. but thats just fine. i heard her voice and i got to tell her that i love her. thats just what this mommy needed!!
Monday, July 21, 2008
gonna be a long week
ok, so lacee has been at camp for almost 30 hours now.
i havent talked to her, havent gotten a text from her (cells are not supposed to be there, but they let her keep hers just in case due to celiac).
so, i am relieved b/c i am sure it means she is having a great time and not sneaking to the bath house to text me or call me.
but i have never went 30 hours without talking to her!
and no, before you ask, i have NOT called the camp or anything.
and i feel bad b/c i meant to put something in the mail friday for her to get at camp this week during mail call and i forgot. i can still do it tomorrow and she will get it her last day there. i dont know if mail call is a big deal at msyc, it was when i went to colorguard camp. (and i never got anything all 4 yrs..waah)
i am so glad she was able to go and i am praying she is having the most awesome time and that during her devo and bible classes she is learning so much and praying so hard. thats why she is there, to learn to be independant and grow in her relationship with God.
course the mommy in me would love a note to say..hey..
we can go up to freed wednesday night and have church with them and watch a talent show the kids put together, which she insists she will have NO part of whatsoever.
i dont know if we get to sit with them or if they sit together and the parents sit together.
i hope she is making tons of new friends as well as bonding with her friends from savannah too.
and i hope she remembers to use bug spray, they love her sweet self!
the pic is of her making her bed..yep, i wouldnt even help her do that!...of her cabin mates from savannah. there are i think 5 other girls in their cabin not from savannah, and 4 older girls from savannah in a different cabin.
there are several guys from savannah there too.
went i took her sunday, i spoke with the nurse, the main guy, 2 women, and another man, as well as one of her counselors, about her celiac disease. i took her plenty of food to have in place of what they would be serving for times when she cant have what they have. i took a single chicken breast for them to grill for her the night they do fried chicken. i took her a pack of hotdogs, turkey, bologna, cheese, 4 things of yogurt, 2 baking potatoes (the 6 minute microwave kind), 3 cans viennes, bag of baby carrots, small thing of potato salad, and 4 different kinds of chips that she can have. hopefully she will be able to pair these along with what everyone else is having and eat near the same and not have to eat the same thing at each meal. she can have the fruits, veggies, salads, and drinks that everyone else has too, so that will help alot. everyone i talked to was very kind, they really listened and were very accomodating to us, they even let us put her food in a dorm size fridge right in the mess hall so it will be convienient.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
alvin and the chipmunks
alvin and the chipmunks is such a cute movie.
in the scene where the chipmunks have snuck into daves house, and he is meeting them for the first time, alvin is singing a song to dave about his hygiene, or lack thereof.
this is mark anthony's twist on the song, only changing the word dave to daddy.
http://s105.photobucket.com/albums/m207/strawberrygm/?action=view¤t=07-17-08_1054.flv
in the scene where the chipmunks have snuck into daves house, and he is meeting them for the first time, alvin is singing a song to dave about his hygiene, or lack thereof.
this is mark anthony's twist on the song, only changing the word dave to daddy.
http://s105.photobucket.com/albums/m207/strawberrygm/?action=view¤t=07-17-08_1054.flv
Friday, July 18, 2008
church camp
lacee leaves sunday for her first ever church camp!
she is going with alot of her friends, it is about an hour away, and she is really excited.
the only thing i am worried about is the celiac diet. i dont know what they will be serving, and while i know i can and will send hot dogs, turkey, etc to keep on hand, i want her to be able to eat as near the same as everyone else as possible. as in, if they are having fried chicken, i would like for her to have a piece of grilled chicken.
i picked up a storage box, some towels, washcloths, bug spray, etc for her today. she is going shopping with her grandma tomorrow for knee-length shorts (we only have 2 pair of those!).
i am sure it will be harder for mom and brothers while she is gone than it will be on her!
she is going with alot of her friends, it is about an hour away, and she is really excited.
the only thing i am worried about is the celiac diet. i dont know what they will be serving, and while i know i can and will send hot dogs, turkey, etc to keep on hand, i want her to be able to eat as near the same as everyone else as possible. as in, if they are having fried chicken, i would like for her to have a piece of grilled chicken.
i picked up a storage box, some towels, washcloths, bug spray, etc for her today. she is going shopping with her grandma tomorrow for knee-length shorts (we only have 2 pair of those!).
i am sure it will be harder for mom and brothers while she is gone than it will be on her!
there has to be another way
mark anthony seems to be recovering from his tonsils, adenoid, and ear tube surgery really well.
except, he has to wear ear plugs every time he gets in the bath or swims. so at least once a day, i have to terrorize him.
it has been 3 weeks now, so i would have hoped that by now he would be used to the idea, that he wouldnt be scared of them, that he would know they didnt hurt him, and that they kept the water out of his ears, therefore making him feel better.
yeah, that would be nice.
he HATES those things.
ear plugs, ear protectors, whatever we try to call them. it doesnt work.
we have him some really cool ones, macks ear plugs for kids. they dont go in his ear, they are like playdo and the just smoosh flat to form a seal. they are bright orange.
when we go back for his post-op with the friendly doc who i had to beat answers out of at the hospital right after surgery, i am gonna ask him if there is another way. can i just forgo the ear plugs and then put a drop of something in there? can i just use a blow dryer on cool after bathing? anything.
my fish boy who loves to swim and bath and shower has screamed every day and it takes him at least 10 minutes to calm down after putting them in for him to enjoy his bath or swimming.
except, he has to wear ear plugs every time he gets in the bath or swims. so at least once a day, i have to terrorize him.
it has been 3 weeks now, so i would have hoped that by now he would be used to the idea, that he wouldnt be scared of them, that he would know they didnt hurt him, and that they kept the water out of his ears, therefore making him feel better.
yeah, that would be nice.
he HATES those things.
ear plugs, ear protectors, whatever we try to call them. it doesnt work.
we have him some really cool ones, macks ear plugs for kids. they dont go in his ear, they are like playdo and the just smoosh flat to form a seal. they are bright orange.
when we go back for his post-op with the friendly doc who i had to beat answers out of at the hospital right after surgery, i am gonna ask him if there is another way. can i just forgo the ear plugs and then put a drop of something in there? can i just use a blow dryer on cool after bathing? anything.
my fish boy who loves to swim and bath and shower has screamed every day and it takes him at least 10 minutes to calm down after putting them in for him to enjoy his bath or swimming.
4
overnight it seems, tommys top 2 teeth have came in.
he has been chewing and acting like he was teething for months now, but nothing would ever show or be felt.
then all of a sudden, there they are!
i can see them, i can feel them.
he is 9 and a half months, pulling up, cruising around furniture and behind push toys, letting go and standing on his own.
its all so fast!!
he has been chewing and acting like he was teething for months now, but nothing would ever show or be felt.
then all of a sudden, there they are!
i can see them, i can feel them.
he is 9 and a half months, pulling up, cruising around furniture and behind push toys, letting go and standing on his own.
its all so fast!!
starbucks
uggh.
just when i had discovered it, my fave starbucks store is closing!
it is on hwy 64, in oakland, on my way to memphis.
it has a drive thru--perfect for me when i have more kids than hands, which makes carrying hot caramel mocchiatos dangerous.
not that i have been thru there 3 times, not that my business would have saved them from the list of closings.
but it still makes me sad.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/07/18/starbucks-closure-list-al_n_113646.html
just when i had discovered it, my fave starbucks store is closing!
it is on hwy 64, in oakland, on my way to memphis.
it has a drive thru--perfect for me when i have more kids than hands, which makes carrying hot caramel mocchiatos dangerous.
not that i have been thru there 3 times, not that my business would have saved them from the list of closings.
but it still makes me sad.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/07/18/starbucks-closure-list-al_n_113646.html
Monday, July 14, 2008
mark anthonys party saturday
mark anthonys birthday party was saturday. it was a week after his actual birthday. but i wanted to give him an extra week to recover from his surgery. i also didnt want to have it on a holiday weekend.
he had a big party. lacee and i worked hard to decorate it. and it turned it wonderful. he loved it. all the kids that came loved it.
here are some pictures from the day.
i wasnt ready for this
tonight while leaving a restaurant, a person made a comment about my daddy killing himself.
lacee and her friend were right there. i of course hoped they hadnt heard the statement, but anyone with nearly 10yr old girls knows better.
before we were even in the van, lacee asked me, why did she say my papaw killed himself? did your daddy kill himself?
yes baby he did.
but you said he smoked.
he did smoke, baby, but thats not why he died.
he smoked and drank alcohol, like mamaw vicki.
yes baby, he did, but thats not why he did that. lots of people smoke and drink alcohol and live 100's of years, just not very healthy.
well why?
honey, i dont know why. i still dont know why. i know i wish he didnt. i know he probably wishes he didnt now.
i am crying and i didnt even know him.
i know baby, me too.
mark anthony says...mommy, lacee, why are crying? whats wrong?
its ok mark anthony.
honey, there are things in life we just dont understand. God understands. sometimes people have things going on, diseases, sicknesses, thoughts that make them sad all the time, that can lead them to to that to themselves. i still dont know why he did that.
...
that was pretty much the end of the conversation. i cried the whole way home. this is not a conversation i was ready for. i have never lied to her. i always tell her when someone dies that it was their turn. that only God knows when our turn is, that everyone will die someday but noone but God knows when. i never tell her people died b/c they were sick or in a wreck or whatever the circumstances may be. of course now that she is older she may learn of those circumstances, but i dont want her to think that every illness leads to death or every wreck will kill a person. and i do believe my theory. it was his turn. it will come to us when it is our turn. i have never lied to her about it, just left out the cold hard truth. i wanted to tell her when she was like 15-16. maybe better equipped to handle the thoughts and questions i know she is having or will have when she lays her head down to sleep.
i was about 14 or 15 when i found out that my grandfather killed himself. yes, my daddys daddy killed himself too. like lacee, i never knew my grandfather. my grandfather that chose to end his own life. i know the questions she will have. why? how? where? when? is he sorry? what would he have been like? would we have had fun together? would he have loved me? would he have taken me fishing? would he have taken me hunting? would he have taken me shopping? would he come eat lunch at school with me? would he take me to the beach? would he carry me on his shoulders?
all these things i wondered. as well as how could this happen? why me? why did he not want to wait for me?
all these things i STILL wonder.
i wonder these about my grandfather whom i never met.
i wonder these about my daddy, whom i loved so. yes, we had our fights. boy, we were good at them. but we loved each other and i miss him so. and i know from how much he loved my little cousins, and how much he loved friends of the family's kids, that he would have adored my kids. they would have hung the moon in his eyes. i can imagine all the things he would have done with them. the things he should have done with them.
i can get sad and mad all in the same breath. sad that he couldnt see through whatever had him so down to see the future he was giving up. mad that he didnt fight it enough. mad that the world didnt understand depression enough to warn my daddy that since his daddy had committed suicide that the chances for him to do so were even greater. that medicines and counseling and help wasnt as readily available back then, and that even what was available wasnt in his life.
i know that i will never know the answers to so many questions. it is a hard thing for me, i want to dig. i want to know why a letter wasnt found. i want to know more details of the scene. i want to know what emts, first responders, sheriff deputies, etc worked the scene, what they saw. i want to know what his last conversation with my uncle was. my uncle died 18month later, so i cant know the answer to that in this life either.
i could sit and wonder and worry myself into such a deep hole it would take a major rescue crew to get me out. i have done it before. i try not to do it anymore. it is hard. somedays i dont wanna turn the thinking off. somedays i do.
i just have to trust that God knows what is best. He is taking care of my daddy and my grandaddy now. He is taking care of me and my family now. He will continue to take care of all of us. We just have to trust him and let him.
lacee and her friend were right there. i of course hoped they hadnt heard the statement, but anyone with nearly 10yr old girls knows better.
before we were even in the van, lacee asked me, why did she say my papaw killed himself? did your daddy kill himself?
yes baby he did.
but you said he smoked.
he did smoke, baby, but thats not why he died.
he smoked and drank alcohol, like mamaw vicki.
yes baby, he did, but thats not why he did that. lots of people smoke and drink alcohol and live 100's of years, just not very healthy.
well why?
honey, i dont know why. i still dont know why. i know i wish he didnt. i know he probably wishes he didnt now.
i am crying and i didnt even know him.
i know baby, me too.
mark anthony says...mommy, lacee, why are crying? whats wrong?
its ok mark anthony.
honey, there are things in life we just dont understand. God understands. sometimes people have things going on, diseases, sicknesses, thoughts that make them sad all the time, that can lead them to to that to themselves. i still dont know why he did that.
...
that was pretty much the end of the conversation. i cried the whole way home. this is not a conversation i was ready for. i have never lied to her. i always tell her when someone dies that it was their turn. that only God knows when our turn is, that everyone will die someday but noone but God knows when. i never tell her people died b/c they were sick or in a wreck or whatever the circumstances may be. of course now that she is older she may learn of those circumstances, but i dont want her to think that every illness leads to death or every wreck will kill a person. and i do believe my theory. it was his turn. it will come to us when it is our turn. i have never lied to her about it, just left out the cold hard truth. i wanted to tell her when she was like 15-16. maybe better equipped to handle the thoughts and questions i know she is having or will have when she lays her head down to sleep.
i was about 14 or 15 when i found out that my grandfather killed himself. yes, my daddys daddy killed himself too. like lacee, i never knew my grandfather. my grandfather that chose to end his own life. i know the questions she will have. why? how? where? when? is he sorry? what would he have been like? would we have had fun together? would he have loved me? would he have taken me fishing? would he have taken me hunting? would he have taken me shopping? would he come eat lunch at school with me? would he take me to the beach? would he carry me on his shoulders?
all these things i wondered. as well as how could this happen? why me? why did he not want to wait for me?
all these things i STILL wonder.
i wonder these about my grandfather whom i never met.
i wonder these about my daddy, whom i loved so. yes, we had our fights. boy, we were good at them. but we loved each other and i miss him so. and i know from how much he loved my little cousins, and how much he loved friends of the family's kids, that he would have adored my kids. they would have hung the moon in his eyes. i can imagine all the things he would have done with them. the things he should have done with them.
i can get sad and mad all in the same breath. sad that he couldnt see through whatever had him so down to see the future he was giving up. mad that he didnt fight it enough. mad that the world didnt understand depression enough to warn my daddy that since his daddy had committed suicide that the chances for him to do so were even greater. that medicines and counseling and help wasnt as readily available back then, and that even what was available wasnt in his life.
i know that i will never know the answers to so many questions. it is a hard thing for me, i want to dig. i want to know why a letter wasnt found. i want to know more details of the scene. i want to know what emts, first responders, sheriff deputies, etc worked the scene, what they saw. i want to know what his last conversation with my uncle was. my uncle died 18month later, so i cant know the answer to that in this life either.
i could sit and wonder and worry myself into such a deep hole it would take a major rescue crew to get me out. i have done it before. i try not to do it anymore. it is hard. somedays i dont wanna turn the thinking off. somedays i do.
i just have to trust that God knows what is best. He is taking care of my daddy and my grandaddy now. He is taking care of me and my family now. He will continue to take care of all of us. We just have to trust him and let him.
uggh
well i am currently at the library.
it is 10 minutes after 6.
my celiac support group meeting was supposed to start at 6pm.
who is here?
me, my 3 kids, a friend of lacee's, mark, and my mom.
i will leave in 5 minutes. discouraged, but not disabled.
disappointed and disheartened.
but i will try again.
next month, one more time.
i will still have dr newhouse come speak.
i will still have a nutritionist come speak.
i will this time invite lacee's teachers, i will invite the lunch ladies from the schools, the daycare owners, etc.
i will publicize it in the newspaper again.
i am glad i didnt get all worked up for this. i didnt print out anything, not even a sign in sheet.
you gotta love savannah.
everybody wants you to help them, but then you try, and no one shows!
it is 10 minutes after 6.
my celiac support group meeting was supposed to start at 6pm.
who is here?
me, my 3 kids, a friend of lacee's, mark, and my mom.
i will leave in 5 minutes. discouraged, but not disabled.
disappointed and disheartened.
but i will try again.
next month, one more time.
i will still have dr newhouse come speak.
i will still have a nutritionist come speak.
i will this time invite lacee's teachers, i will invite the lunch ladies from the schools, the daycare owners, etc.
i will publicize it in the newspaper again.
i am glad i didnt get all worked up for this. i didnt print out anything, not even a sign in sheet.
you gotta love savannah.
everybody wants you to help them, but then you try, and no one shows!
equal love
i have heard it said, and read it said, many times and many places...that the bond between a mother and her son is so much stronger than that bond between a mother and her daughter. i literally have had people tell me that i would love my boys more than my daughter. the thought of that sickens me, to be totally honest. i cant imagine loving any of my children more than the other.
yes, i love them differently. but certainly not more than the other.
lacee and i have a bond...we are both girls. she is my first child. God gave her to me at a time in my life where i could have easily become a burden on what was left of my family and on society. she saved me. she is so sweet, so caring, so loving. she is just like me in that she wears her feelings on her shoulders. she cares so much about others, that she doesnt hurt her friends feelings, that no one feels left out or alone. she gladly gives the last of her snack to her friends at school who may have forgotten theirs, whether it leaves her anything left to eat or not. she is a people pleaser. she wants to please her teachers, her parents, her brothers, her friends, her sunday school teachers, etc etc. there is also a negative to us being so much alike. i can read that girl like a book. i know most all the time what she is thinking, and why. i can predict her like myself. i am sure that the older she gets, the worse this will be for her and the better (i hope) for me. i hope to use this "gift" to help her make better, wiser choices than i did at her age. she is my baby girl, she is my daughter, she is my angel, she is my lacee. i love her more than i can ever imagine.
mark anthony and i have a bond....he is my first son. he came at a time when i was so ready for my family to grow. i never wanted just one child, always knew i wanted more than one. he rounded our family out. he made it even, 2 guys, 2 girls. he is so sweet and kind, when he wants to be. he is so fiesty and crazy when he wants to be. he is predictably unpredictable. he is either 100mph or asleep. he hugs with such strongness, such meaning. and he gets mad with such ferver. he too wants everyone around him happy, prolly so that things will go his way, but still he like to see everyone happy and having fun. he is growing so fast, learning so much everyday. he is growing up too. he has grown up so much since i even began blogging, his fuse becoming longer, his maturity gaining. just as i can read lacee, and cant so much with him..his dad can. i am sure he will not like this either as he gets older. i love to get cuddles from mark anthony. i love him more than i could ever imagine loving a guy.
tommy and i have a bond....he is my baby. he is too young to back talk, too young to argue. for a little while anyway. he smiles when we smile. he smiles to make us smile. he laughs just cuz he can. he tries to dance. he tries to walk. he mimicks our moves and sounds. he can say bye bye and da-da. (he is my only child to say da-da first). he grabs you with both hands, grabs your hair or your ears, pulls you to him, and gives the most passionate love of any baby i have ever known. he is also my most sensitive child. sudden loud sounds, the wrong temperature, unexpected things...they shock and scare him more than any of my children, even more than most children i have kept. i am not sure what that means just yet. he brings out the best in all of us. he is our baby. he is not just my baby. he is lacee and all her friends baby doll. he is mark anthonys real life baby. and he knows it. i love him more than i could ever imagine loving another guy.
i love all my children.
i adore all my children.
i would give and do anything for any of them at any time.
i never knew how it would be.
i cried the weeks before mark anthony was born, not knowing how i could love another child as much as lacee. not knowing how she would handle not being the only child anymore. i cried the weeks before tommy was born, not knowing how we would handle having more children than hands.
and i cried with joy with each birth. and at how easily each child fit into our family.
i am an only child, this whole sibling thing blows my mind. thats why i love to listen to them when they think i am not listening. thats why i love to sit back and watch them. thats why i am who i am. i know how blessed i am to have my children. i hope they know how blessed they are to have each other. i hope they always know this.
of course, then the negatives. i dont understand the fight to the death one minute, love forever the next minute bond that siblings have either. i watch it with friends of mine that have siblings, and i watch it with my own. it amazes me. it scares me. it warms me.
but still, i cant imagine ever loving either of them more than the other. differently yes. more than or less than, never.
yes, i love them differently. but certainly not more than the other.
lacee and i have a bond...we are both girls. she is my first child. God gave her to me at a time in my life where i could have easily become a burden on what was left of my family and on society. she saved me. she is so sweet, so caring, so loving. she is just like me in that she wears her feelings on her shoulders. she cares so much about others, that she doesnt hurt her friends feelings, that no one feels left out or alone. she gladly gives the last of her snack to her friends at school who may have forgotten theirs, whether it leaves her anything left to eat or not. she is a people pleaser. she wants to please her teachers, her parents, her brothers, her friends, her sunday school teachers, etc etc. there is also a negative to us being so much alike. i can read that girl like a book. i know most all the time what she is thinking, and why. i can predict her like myself. i am sure that the older she gets, the worse this will be for her and the better (i hope) for me. i hope to use this "gift" to help her make better, wiser choices than i did at her age. she is my baby girl, she is my daughter, she is my angel, she is my lacee. i love her more than i can ever imagine.
mark anthony and i have a bond....he is my first son. he came at a time when i was so ready for my family to grow. i never wanted just one child, always knew i wanted more than one. he rounded our family out. he made it even, 2 guys, 2 girls. he is so sweet and kind, when he wants to be. he is so fiesty and crazy when he wants to be. he is predictably unpredictable. he is either 100mph or asleep. he hugs with such strongness, such meaning. and he gets mad with such ferver. he too wants everyone around him happy, prolly so that things will go his way, but still he like to see everyone happy and having fun. he is growing so fast, learning so much everyday. he is growing up too. he has grown up so much since i even began blogging, his fuse becoming longer, his maturity gaining. just as i can read lacee, and cant so much with him..his dad can. i am sure he will not like this either as he gets older. i love to get cuddles from mark anthony. i love him more than i could ever imagine loving a guy.
tommy and i have a bond....he is my baby. he is too young to back talk, too young to argue. for a little while anyway. he smiles when we smile. he smiles to make us smile. he laughs just cuz he can. he tries to dance. he tries to walk. he mimicks our moves and sounds. he can say bye bye and da-da. (he is my only child to say da-da first). he grabs you with both hands, grabs your hair or your ears, pulls you to him, and gives the most passionate love of any baby i have ever known. he is also my most sensitive child. sudden loud sounds, the wrong temperature, unexpected things...they shock and scare him more than any of my children, even more than most children i have kept. i am not sure what that means just yet. he brings out the best in all of us. he is our baby. he is not just my baby. he is lacee and all her friends baby doll. he is mark anthonys real life baby. and he knows it. i love him more than i could ever imagine loving another guy.
i love all my children.
i adore all my children.
i would give and do anything for any of them at any time.
i never knew how it would be.
i cried the weeks before mark anthony was born, not knowing how i could love another child as much as lacee. not knowing how she would handle not being the only child anymore. i cried the weeks before tommy was born, not knowing how we would handle having more children than hands.
and i cried with joy with each birth. and at how easily each child fit into our family.
i am an only child, this whole sibling thing blows my mind. thats why i love to listen to them when they think i am not listening. thats why i love to sit back and watch them. thats why i am who i am. i know how blessed i am to have my children. i hope they know how blessed they are to have each other. i hope they always know this.
of course, then the negatives. i dont understand the fight to the death one minute, love forever the next minute bond that siblings have either. i watch it with friends of mine that have siblings, and i watch it with my own. it amazes me. it scares me. it warms me.
but still, i cant imagine ever loving either of them more than the other. differently yes. more than or less than, never.
early mornings
i love the mornings. my bedroom is right off of the living room, and i love to lay in bed, listening to my kids play and talk. they think i am asleep, think they are all on their own. mark anthony and lacee seem to talk and get along so much better without me around. and tommy thinks he is just as big as they are. when i am in the room, someone wants to be held or petted. but when it is just them, they are like little big people. they work together, they play, they talk. they are just themselves. and i love it. i keep telling myself i need to hide a tape recorder in the room so that years from now i will still have this to listen to. its so sweet.
mark anthony tells lacee he loves her.
he helps tommy try to build train tracks.
she helps them work together.
he tells her please and thank you.
she doesnt get frustrated and fussy with him.
tommy laughs at the two of them.
its just a sweet, peaceful, innocent time. so i lay in my bed, and listen. yes, i do love my pillows and my comfy bed, thats just an added bonus. the sounds i enjoy why laying there "sleeping" are the sounds i cherish every day.
mark anthony tells lacee he loves her.
he helps tommy try to build train tracks.
she helps them work together.
he tells her please and thank you.
she doesnt get frustrated and fussy with him.
tommy laughs at the two of them.
its just a sweet, peaceful, innocent time. so i lay in my bed, and listen. yes, i do love my pillows and my comfy bed, thats just an added bonus. the sounds i enjoy why laying there "sleeping" are the sounds i cherish every day.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
back in business
i am looking forward to reopening my childcare business.
we are moving to town the middle of august, and i will begin providing childcare then.
its a passion of mine, providing the highest quality childcare available so that moms and dads can leave their children without worry and the children can have a blast while with me and other little friends.
http://tigercubs38372.tripod.com
we are moving to town the middle of august, and i will begin providing childcare then.
its a passion of mine, providing the highest quality childcare available so that moms and dads can leave their children without worry and the children can have a blast while with me and other little friends.
http://tigercubs38372.tripod.com
meeting tomorrow night
this article ran in our local paper this week: http://www.courieranywhere.com/index2.php?option=com_docman&task=doc_view&gid=649&Itemid=26
i have had 2 ladies call me from it.
i hope people see the article and come to the meeting tomorrow night.
i have had 2 ladies call me from it.
i hope people see the article and come to the meeting tomorrow night.
Friday, July 11, 2008
train stations
today lacee and i spent nearly 6 hours trying to get things ready for mark anthony's bday party tomorrow. what a good sister!! the only time she complained was when she got upset that something she was painting didnt turn out like she imagined it would. she was upset that it wasnt good enough. never once did she complain about having to do this for him, that it wasnt fair, that she didnt want to be there, nothing. she talked about how excited he was gonna be.
these boys are sure blessed.
even when i got stressed out, she let me have my mini meltdown, she watched, and then she accepted my apology and kissed me when i told her i was sorry for letting her see me get upset.
we painted sides to decorate trailers to become thomas, james, and percy. we painted a james face to play "stick the bee on james nose". we made a craft station, a game station, a train station, and a snack station. we rolled out brown paper and painted tracks on it. (i had envisioned 100's and 100's of feet of this, but didnt end up with near that much paper)
i sure hope the kids come, and they love the party. most importantly mark anthony. we are so blessed with such a fiesty, loving, funny, energetic little boy.
these boys are sure blessed.
even when i got stressed out, she let me have my mini meltdown, she watched, and then she accepted my apology and kissed me when i told her i was sorry for letting her see me get upset.
we painted sides to decorate trailers to become thomas, james, and percy. we painted a james face to play "stick the bee on james nose". we made a craft station, a game station, a train station, and a snack station. we rolled out brown paper and painted tracks on it. (i had envisioned 100's and 100's of feet of this, but didnt end up with near that much paper)
i sure hope the kids come, and they love the party. most importantly mark anthony. we are so blessed with such a fiesty, loving, funny, energetic little boy.
what you feed
i am working harder and harder on my goal to keep my focus on the positives.
i realize that it is good to vent and get things out of your system, and have several times considered doing that on this blog, or even starting a different one to "fuss" on. but i haven't. i am trying to look at it like this: we all have the little angel guy on one shoulder and the devil guy on the other shoulder. everyone does. we are all human. we have to choose which guy, which part of our lives, will be dominant. which one will live, which one will survive. it will be, of course, the one we feed. so i am not feeding my little red man. not much anyway. he is sneaky, and he finds ways to feed, but i am trying not to help him at all.
i realize that it is good to vent and get things out of your system, and have several times considered doing that on this blog, or even starting a different one to "fuss" on. but i haven't. i am trying to look at it like this: we all have the little angel guy on one shoulder and the devil guy on the other shoulder. everyone does. we are all human. we have to choose which guy, which part of our lives, will be dominant. which one will live, which one will survive. it will be, of course, the one we feed. so i am not feeding my little red man. not much anyway. he is sneaky, and he finds ways to feed, but i am trying not to help him at all.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
mommy trip
today my dear friend, george ann, and i went to florence. my boys went to drop in care at a local facility, and lacee was at a church youth activity. george ann's youngest, kara, and lacee are bff's and were together.
we went to florence in search of items for decorating mark anthony's party this saturday.
our first stop was target...got kara's bday gift there (she and mark anthony share a bday) as well as some poster boards for his party.
when we came out, my van refused to start. wouldnt even turn over. now it played this game back in feb..the positive line to the battery gets loose and has to be tightned. i called mark, he told me that info, and i went back into target. a nice little guy came out and tried to fix it, but he had no luck. so i called mark back and he took off work and headed to our rescue.
george ann and i walked to the dollar tree, and loved how huge it was....so much more than ours back home.
we were blessed by the weather, not too hot, not too cold, not raining, not windy. just right for being stranded!!
then we crossed the parking lot and headed for zaxby's. i had never been there and had heard how great it was. we got there just in time b/c 15 minutes after we got our food, the place was packed!
mark arrived and fixed the van right as we finished lunch. took him a whopping 30 seconds!! he left the wrench with us, he headed back home, and we continued to shop.
next stop - it's my party. the store is moving, everything 75% off!!! just not much left at all.
got back to the van, you guessed it ... it wouldnt start again! there was a couple getting in their vehicle in front of us, the lady must have thought i was nuts when i walked up holding s wrench and asked if i could borrow her hubby!!
he fixed it again, as i called mark. we decided not to turn it off again. ha! i had never known i could leave my van running and locked, and just take the keychain with the buttons! course as high as gas is, its not a practical idea...but sure was nice to get into a precooled ride!
we went to hobby lobby and wow could i ever get in trouble there!! so much neat stuff!! i found everything else i was looking for, and under budget at that!!
and then we were on our way home. george ann and i had a great day together, we talked about everything from kids to housework to hubbys. it is a rare thing for me right now, a totally adult trip, and we thoroughly enjoyed our trip -- even though we were about 2 hours over schedule!!
we went to florence in search of items for decorating mark anthony's party this saturday.
our first stop was target...got kara's bday gift there (she and mark anthony share a bday) as well as some poster boards for his party.
when we came out, my van refused to start. wouldnt even turn over. now it played this game back in feb..the positive line to the battery gets loose and has to be tightned. i called mark, he told me that info, and i went back into target. a nice little guy came out and tried to fix it, but he had no luck. so i called mark back and he took off work and headed to our rescue.
george ann and i walked to the dollar tree, and loved how huge it was....so much more than ours back home.
we were blessed by the weather, not too hot, not too cold, not raining, not windy. just right for being stranded!!
then we crossed the parking lot and headed for zaxby's. i had never been there and had heard how great it was. we got there just in time b/c 15 minutes after we got our food, the place was packed!
mark arrived and fixed the van right as we finished lunch. took him a whopping 30 seconds!! he left the wrench with us, he headed back home, and we continued to shop.
next stop - it's my party. the store is moving, everything 75% off!!! just not much left at all.
got back to the van, you guessed it ... it wouldnt start again! there was a couple getting in their vehicle in front of us, the lady must have thought i was nuts when i walked up holding s wrench and asked if i could borrow her hubby!!
he fixed it again, as i called mark. we decided not to turn it off again. ha! i had never known i could leave my van running and locked, and just take the keychain with the buttons! course as high as gas is, its not a practical idea...but sure was nice to get into a precooled ride!
we went to hobby lobby and wow could i ever get in trouble there!! so much neat stuff!! i found everything else i was looking for, and under budget at that!!
and then we were on our way home. george ann and i had a great day together, we talked about everything from kids to housework to hubbys. it is a rare thing for me right now, a totally adult trip, and we thoroughly enjoyed our trip -- even though we were about 2 hours over schedule!!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
listen to each others hearts
marriage is truly a wonderful thing.
i really believe this.
it is an even better thing when both partners are appreciative of each other, supportive of each other, and listen to each others hearts as a friend, carol barker, recently said.
these are things mark and i have always been....we just for a while it seemed that we lost track of these things.
we let stress, life, work, bills, everthing else step in the way. we never lost each other, just lost the "focus". the focus on each other. on the big picture.
here lately, we have been back on track.
we have been listening to each others hearts.
i really like that phrase.
but its more than a phrase, its a rule to live by.
you can listen to each others words, but we dont always choose to say the right words, or know the right words. we arent always able to say the right words, for any number of reasons.
but if we truly listen to each other, listen deeply, combine what we hear with what we know, realize that there is love and compassion and fear and hopes and dreams... then we can really be there for each other. then we can really be the person God wants us to be. we can be the wives and hubbys, the moms and dads, the friends, the christains that we are called to be.
mark and i have a long and wonderful life together ahead of us.
i am very blessed to have been given such a wonderful husband for myself and father for my children.
i wouldnt be totally honest if i didnt admit that i can loose sight of that, that i can let stress get in the way, that i can get tired of him working all the time and not being able to be here with us and get so frustrated and take him for granted. i do that. i am human. but i am learning and trying and loving and growing.
i really believe this.
it is an even better thing when both partners are appreciative of each other, supportive of each other, and listen to each others hearts as a friend, carol barker, recently said.
these are things mark and i have always been....we just for a while it seemed that we lost track of these things.
we let stress, life, work, bills, everthing else step in the way. we never lost each other, just lost the "focus". the focus on each other. on the big picture.
here lately, we have been back on track.
we have been listening to each others hearts.
i really like that phrase.
but its more than a phrase, its a rule to live by.
you can listen to each others words, but we dont always choose to say the right words, or know the right words. we arent always able to say the right words, for any number of reasons.
but if we truly listen to each other, listen deeply, combine what we hear with what we know, realize that there is love and compassion and fear and hopes and dreams... then we can really be there for each other. then we can really be the person God wants us to be. we can be the wives and hubbys, the moms and dads, the friends, the christains that we are called to be.
mark and i have a long and wonderful life together ahead of us.
i am very blessed to have been given such a wonderful husband for myself and father for my children.
i wouldnt be totally honest if i didnt admit that i can loose sight of that, that i can let stress get in the way, that i can get tired of him working all the time and not being able to be here with us and get so frustrated and take him for granted. i do that. i am human. but i am learning and trying and loving and growing.
mark anthony is 3
mark anthony turned 3 on july 5.
so we carried a cake up to the big celebration on the 4th, so the band and everyone there could sing to him, and share cake with us.
on his birthday, he opened a present from us...tidmouth sheds..the place where his trains live!! later grandma vicki brought him 3 new trains!
i made a sign and posted it by the road so everyone would know it was his bday.
his actual party is next week. i wanted to wait a week to miss the holiday weekend as well as to give him another week to recover from his surgery.
he has argued with us for weeks that he was gonna be 2 forever..not gonna be 3. the day must have changed him, he now happily says he is "free".
happy 4th!
we had lots of friends come visit us at the camper this weekend!
my friend from high school, kristen, and her hubby jeremy and their 2 boys aiden and dannon came to visit for about an hour friday.
my friend camilla and her hubby neil and their kids abby and briar came and enjoyed all the festivites.
marks friend tim and his girlfriend misty came as well. tim hid from the camera!
we cooked at our camper. we had burgers, dogs, and chips. after hanging out and eating, we walked up to our friends' the edwards' lot, where tons of more people had gathered. we danced, had birthday cake for mark anthonys birthday the next day, and enjoyed talking with everyone!
camper
gluten free
lacee has been on a gluten free diet for over a week now, and is doing great. the only meltdown was sunday after church, our first eating out adventure since being gluten free. she forgot she couldnt get food from the buffet, even though the foods she got were gluten free, the chance of cross contamination is way too high. so she had to leave that yummy looking plate of food. she ordered grilled chicken and baked potato. i had already spoken with the restaurant owner several weeks ago, explaining to her the need to make sure lacee's food doesnt touch gluten items. she personally cooked it for us, just to be sure. how great is that!! brenda is her name, sweet peas is her restaurant. go see them..great food and even better caring service!!
lacee's tummy is so much better, she is feeling better all over, so much more calm and easy going.
the rest of us are feeling better too, we are definately gluten light, and i am learning and cooking and serving meals that are gluten free so we can all eat together!
my first support group meeting is next week, and i cant wait to learn more from others!
lacee's tummy is so much better, she is feeling better all over, so much more calm and easy going.
the rest of us are feeling better too, we are definately gluten light, and i am learning and cooking and serving meals that are gluten free so we can all eat together!
my first support group meeting is next week, and i cant wait to learn more from others!
finally back to blog again
i feel like i havent been on here in forever! i have been so very sick that i didnt even have the energy to blog. now, thats really sick! sinus infection, respiratory infection, and then throw in a stomach virus to boot!! whew!
so, since my last blog, my baby boy has turned 9 months! and my oldest son has turned 3!
we camped the past 2 weekends..a great family time!!
so much excitement going on in our lives right now....hopefully i will get to blog about it all right now as tommy naps and lacee and mark anthony are playing happily together!!
so, since my last blog, my baby boy has turned 9 months! and my oldest son has turned 3!
we camped the past 2 weekends..a great family time!!
so much excitement going on in our lives right now....hopefully i will get to blog about it all right now as tommy naps and lacee and mark anthony are playing happily together!!
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